


Things My Friends and I Have Said as the Marauders

by Theshumbucket



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:07:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29646207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theshumbucket/pseuds/Theshumbucket
Summary: Title says it all!
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Welcome everyone! Personally, I think my friends and I are pretty funny, and one day I decided to start writing down some of the random shit we said. Then, I noticed “huh, (character here) would say that.” And well, here we are! 

TWs include:

Talk about self harm  
Talk about mental illness  
Strong language  
Mature themes (horny bitches)

Mommy/daddy issues

Most of my friends (excluding Emily) havent watched/read Harry Potter but have consented for me to use their quotes. 

This is just for fun and not to be taken seriously. 

Sorry if you disagree with who would say what! Feel free to correct me in the comments!

JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS, AND PETER ONLY. SORRY.


	2. Bailey as James “Prongs” Potter (pt 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My best friend Bailey saying shit our dear Prongs would.
> 
> (Please note: Bailey is not cis or straight, so homophobic jokes are not to be taken seriously. Also note, I do think James Potter would say swaggy/swag/swagtastic/etc)
> 
> PT 1 BECAUSE I WRITE NEW QUOTES EVERYDAY I JUST DIDNT WANT TO MAKE 1 CHAPTER PER QUOTE! If you want context for anything, just ask!

-*touching inside of cheek* it kind of feels like a vagina...id know because I was fingering your mom last night

-Hey babycakes...what a bad bitch like me gotta do to get my knob schlobbered on 

-God would be such a good lover. You know...  
besides the whole “holy father” thing

-Theres ice if you want it, but if you   
dont thats okay. Its swaggy either way 

-I guess you really don’t want your   
moisturizer huh 

-Gay on gay crime, you love to see it 

-They use the same pictures of him   
every year it’s kinda not swagtastic

-*sees pretty girl on tiktok*   
wow i hope you are having a good day.   
I really hope. Wow. I really hope youre   
having a good day


	3. Bailey as Sirius “Padfoot” Black pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as last time :)

-“My hand hurts” did you masturbate too hard too?

-Its so hard being horny 

-Im scared to start taking anti-depressants because jm afraid ill lose my horny-ness and thats one of my most charming characteristics

-Sometimes during church I would think about having sexual relations with god 

-Okay well god hates homophobes but he loves me bc i got the gushy gush

-Hes wearing my “use my hole” shirt

-There might be cum on this couch we have to be careful

-I will start shaking my ass if you dont stop tickling me

-Its exhausting being so god damn sexy all the time


	4. Bailey as Remus “Moony” Lupin pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same :)

-Hello all. My current aesthetic is pain-core

-Confidence is just gaslighting yourself

-You know, the one whos drained of all intelligent thought? 

-Im gonna make him cum...not in the weird way in the platonic way  
>all the young dudes who?

-My dog has been ripping fat flatulence on my leg

-OH HE GOT MONEY AND HE HATES GOVERNMENT???that’s so sexy 

-Theyre not focused on my boobs! Theyre focused on the car accident or the crime youve committed

-And he has addiction??? I love a broken man

-Come be the last point of the trauma triangle

-Youre a bitch. Fucking hetero


	5. Bailey as Peter “Wormtail” Pettigrew pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same :) 
> 
> THIS ISNT BULLYING EVERYONE IS A LITTLE BIT PETER I KIND OF KIN HIM OKAY

-*has a panic attack while trying to put on a fitted sheet*

-Murder! But....platonic 

-Looking at her makes me miss the 1950s where women just stayed home and didn’t have positions of power

-I wanna shake my ass but like i cant

-Is that blood or nasal discharge?

-Sometimes I touch my boobs and pretend its someone else

-I feel like my eyes are full of jello and theyre just vibing out to the vibration of my brain

-I wanna take my pants off but what if I pee my pants?


	6. Garrett as Prongs pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as always
> 
> (Garrett is not straight, so homophobic jokes are not to be taken seriously.)

-The marines sent me something but i threw that shit straight in the trash. They want me but i dont want them.

-Guys look- *spins around* i just time traveled

-Sometimes i pretend i drive a tesla *takes hands off the wheel, sees im visibly nervous* its okay it automatically drives straight...i hope 

-Im a microphone virgin this year

-When we say go dark we mean go to  
sleep, not to the fucking grave

-Sexy flexy, thats all i do


	7. Garrett as Padfoot” pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same :)

-Let me make out with you real quick

-Can we share a blanket so i can piss on you real quick? 

-Thinking about his man ass

-Theyve fallen victim to the trap that is science

-*sees emily under a blanket* can you breathe? “Yes” ...well, i don’t believe you.

-Queers on the couch, queers on the couch, OPE!! Theres a straight

-Summer is an honorary f*****

-It’s okay that you have a disability summer, we can’t all be queer

-I hope your sadness is only temporary bc you’re so sexy & sexy people can’t be sad sooooo

-Im just gonna pathologically lie to her...its just a few of many lies

-Yuppp get that homework done sexy

-*messaged our fucking school district* theyre literally active but dont wanna answer my dm? Like baby girl you  
arent special. You arent a celebrity.

-And yeah im dramatic but that’s honestly the truth

-Pretty titty, no hetero


	8. Garrett as Moony pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same blah blah blah

-You walked into my little trap. my little dyslexic trap  
>again, I say, ATYD who?? 

-I would want to go there so the boys can hate crime me. And then maybe one of them would like, like me. 

-You dont actually care, and if you do it’s because you want your dad to love you

-Get over it crack whore

-Oh my god look at how long my cat is. Im not bodyshaming him or anything. 

-*chugs bubble solution, it’s literally running down his chin, I RECORDED IT* i didnt drink it i didnt drink it 

-Why would I make a fucking goal if I knew I was gonna die?


	9. Garrett as Wormtail pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same

-*sees snow on the tree* aww its so cute, it kinda looks like they have dandruff. But its cute dandruff.

-If you die and dont come back to life youre so fucking lame 

-Thanks for letting me sleep in the bed this time.

\- Other scientific things that are proven to be real...like the periodic table. We just assume that is real because thats what science tells us 

-I cant see when i close my eyes

-I sure do love my sammiches

-Also I filled a glove with baked beans today

-I think Matthew Morrison is just neat


	10. Emily as Prongs pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily is also neither cis nor straight so yada yada

-I was just grabbing your boobs and you collapsed on me!

-i’m in my truest purest form. simping for men when i have no attraction to them.

-why are we pegging djungelskog?


	11. Emily as Padfoot pt 1

-I didnt need to know rhat your dads name isnt actually eric...this has ruined my life 

-Bitch! So many people want to have sex with me? What about you, summer? How many people want to fuck you? 

-We actually have a plan- Garrett take off your clothes. 

-Im feral too! Im like a bitch with rabies! You never know if...you never know when im going to bite your dick off and give you rabies 

-I have rabies, maybe. Its not a confirmed thing but i like to think i do. Well i kind of know i do, but only in spirit. 

-Oh you didnt get a video of my jerking my dick, thank god

-I know your gay but if i sat on your face id turn you straight so quick 

-I sat there and I was like AWOOGA *pants* you feel me? AWOOOOO i am a dog boy im so sad

-i’m going to bite this motherfucker. Romantically


	12. Emily as Moony pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily is literally Remus ive told bun this many times. Many many times.

-guys why am i literally awake. we are not sleeping tonight why am i still awake i need to be rested enough to deal with your annoying asses. god 

-Dont eat the duct tape. Get it out of your mouth you dipshit

-bailey. it’s a het people. floor it. be more like the mentally ill teenager who was too scared to talk to her friends for a month. learn from me. be better.

-bailey i know what panting is dont pant into your microphone and send it to me

-Its okay to bark at him, his dick is huge

-Its the way that this is a cry for help but i only talk to 2  
people

-Ugh i have to hydrate you! I hate people

-I just want to jump out a window...platonically

-“What happened?” Nothing! Im just a sad human being! 

-“Its david thewlis.” *sighs* I know. Yes im disappointed. Yes theres nothing I can do about it. 

-SUMMER I WISH YOU DIDNT HAVE FREE WILL!

-He metamorphasized into a dumb fuck

-chiccolate- chcicolate-ccholate-chcolate- chocolate


	13. Emily as Wormtail pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same

-Be a chicken! Be a chicken! 

-i’m not watching the abortion video it has a BABY in the thumbnail and i hate those things

-Everytime you call Remus Lupin and Sirius Black sexy it  
takes 2 months off of my life 

-guys i have a tmi to tell you because it’s disturbing to me but i don’t want to text it. I dont want evidence


	14. Carlee as Prongs pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlee is not straight blah blah blah

-That ate many an ass

-*misses a spot shaving* i feel like a fucking werewolf. *sees me behind her* “dont go and get all horny for me now” 

-The nazis afraid of a wittle hospital. Aww 

-Have you told our parents that bob ross lives within me 

-Rob him before you bury him. Grave robbing is still a crime, even if you are on a deserted island. 

-Paper towel dispensers? We need tons of those! A FRUIT BOWL?!?! YES!!! 

-You have to listen to this because you love britney (spears) AND the USSR 

-I think the vampire who owned this house before me was definitely a slave owner 

-My father just sang his heart out to Madonna how do I   
politely tell him that he's gay 

-The button game where you win 2 million dollars but its shoved up your ass and you have to dig it out

-Thats not santa, its Jesus


	15. Carlee as Padfoot pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same

-Its on brand for me, a lesbian, to be in love with the just dance ricky martin

-I want the homeless man to take me in the dumpster  
>take me, as in sex. In case its not clear

-I dont want my dad to be happy

-I wish my dad wouldnt come home. He shouldve stayed  
away when he bought those cigarettes all those years ago

-hes not a sexual predator or anything, but he shouldnt be allowed within 200 feet of an elementary school

-Theyd just be like “AHA IM RACIST!” 

-Socks are very uncomfortable and they make my feet sweaty! 

-And he said “no” and I feel like a spoiled brat because ive never heard that word before! Especially from Jason! I thought we had a good thing going! 

-I hear wellerman and my pants drop immediately

-Eric, I hope you still have your fancy pants on, we’re going to walmart

-When youre done with your shower, i need you to eat so you can be comfortable *i thought she was talking to me, it was really nice* i need to butter them up before I kill them.


	16. Carlee as Moony pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same

-You laugh like a stupid little jewish boy

>SHES NOT ANTI-SEMETIC I PROMISE

-Did he just snort? Hes gonna be so ugly when he grows up.

-Immediately after doing milk gymnastics in my throat

-I just want him to dress up as scooby doo and dance for me

-Im gonna lock them in this room with only a carpet and an oven....and just see how long it takes 

-*yelling* NO NO NO NO NO! *in a soft whisper/baby voice* we to together

-Its no fun killing yourself if theres not a chance youll be caught 

-If I werent depressed I wouldnt be funny. Without my depression what would I be? Borning?

-Do not answer that question, I dont want to know how sexually compatible i am with bob ross

-Its the way im just lying on my bed talking about how i self harm and youre just writing it down. Its like im in therapy again 

-I swear to God if someone in this house says Noah's Ark I'm gonna actually off myself. Right in front of the whole  
family. “Dont test me, ill do it” No don't do it I haven't written my note yet

-*learns that pegged in britain means to die* i wanna be pegged until I peg

-I was 9 when i wanted to suck on lady gagas tiddies

-Wed have a better relationship with our dad if we didnt  
spend so much time in scrabble club in the fourth grade


	17. Carlee as Wormtail pt 1

-I wanna die of alzheimers so ill just forget how to die

-I thought christopher columbus was on Noahs Ark?

-There just is no difference between a dog and a werewolf, you cant convince me otherwise

-Listen, it was not my brightest moment, but neither is any moment

-I’m like a cow and youre just milking me 

-Its good practice for lifting my legs. I dont want to get to a point where i cant

-What am I gonna do now? Now that I cant tell time....

-If I ever lose my hands, i need to learn how to do everything with my feet

-Im not saying that im a foot god or anything but.... 

-But maybe if i force myself to become really rich, a woman would actually want me....goodnight America


	18. Summer as Prongs pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shes cis AND straight, not all of us can be funny

-THIS BITCH ABSOLUTELY JUST CROPDUSTED MEEEEEEE YOU OLD HAG GET YOUR STANK ASS FLATULENCE OUT OF MY KITCHEN

-Is it possible to talk so much that you cant hear anyones voice but your own?

-Spill the wassail all you want i cant surround myself with this toxic energy

-I am actually currently saving the world by bullying people right now

-This is homophobic. Im not even gay

-I dont have any trauma, im just a lowly white girl

-Dont forget to protect your sexual castles, ladies

-This doesnt make sense...we’re so baller


	19. Summer as Padfoot pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as before

-*someone in class says “youre not fat, you’re beautiful”* first of all, im both

-Just talking about how I like my men homeless

-But yes I will be gathering all the stares and sharing my communist propaganda with the children 

-It is my moral obligation to not hand you things to self harm with. That includes E6000 

-“I wanna get fucked by a half orc” oh right but when summer wants to fuck the werewolf all hell breaks loose

-My niche is blasting Crawling by Linkin Park in my room until my mom realizes i need therapy  
>read this outloud and carlee said “she never will summer” 

-Are those frogs barking?

-AND YES I WILL BE BLAMING MY FAILURE ON OTHERS BC IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER 

-My brain decided to play this really fun game with me where it realized i was eating chocolate and then reminded me that theres a full moon tonight....I will be crying over Remus Lupin.

-They just always assume that I also like to read. No! I just like it when my men are silent!

-Dont let a girl with an ass like that give you lasting trauma. She doesnt deserve that control over your life


	20. Summer as Moony pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same

-Wasnt that a trend to see someone you found attractive and just say wet over and over.” I think it sounds like something you would say but i dont think it was ever a trend 

-Emily what drugs does your mom take? Id like to invest in some

-“Do it, I wanna hear” Hear me cry? Fucking sadist

-You have too many muscles, i dont like it. Oh wait, you look kinda skinny. I think i have a crush on you sir.

-Occasionally ill feel like a real person but right now im just ghastly

-Thats like chanting ACAB AT A COP. Like i totally would if i didnt have social anxiety

-I hate that bitch. I complimented her today, but i still fucking hate her

-I can pay for a rage room, i cant pay for therapy (R)

-*in a very calm tone* welcome to panic attack city, bitch 

-Im going to have an anxiety attack, let me block it out in my schedule

-Dont deflect with the kia soul 

-Is my head pounding? Yes. Am i going to turn down the ABBA? Absolutely not. 

-*Absolutely loses my shit at the “jude jude judy judy judy judy” part of hey jude* *looks up to see sister* “im not in a good place mentally”

-Im just imagining what I looked like over there. I dont think I had to say that im not in a good place mentally, i think it kind of showcased itself


	21. Summer as Wormtail pt 1

-What if I have surgery one day and they just see all the pasta in my body? 

-How many loaves of bread do you have to eat before the vomit goes away?

-Betty white is on my boob. Im sorry betty.

-We’re out here watching musicals about strippers!

-Why are double chins a thing? Why does my extra fat gather under my chin? Why cant it gather in my boobs?

-My bones have headaches

-I did 2 1/2 things today! Isnt that neat!

-Once again im asking you to applaud me for doing the bare minimum of basic hygiene 

-I forget how to breathe all the time. Do i have alzheimers?

-“Have you seen the original karate kid?” Ive seen Jaden smith, is that not the original?

-Im too insecure and anxious to be dominant, but i crave the energy

-Stop my degredation kink meeting my crush on ben shapiro??

-BRO BROWNIES?!?! SO FUCKING GOOD but also yes we’re here for you emily

-I think your turtle is suicidal

-A MENORAH?!? SHES A JEWISH VAMPIRE!

-How do i go from this...to this? Maybe i could do a spin


End file.
